needing solitude time alone when PTSD is triggered

Where Has PTSD Taken You?

Where are you?

The bed is empty again. I didn’t hear you get up. It’s so black, it could be any time of the night. It could be any night. I’ll try not to look at the clock, and I’ll try not to think the worst. I hope you’re okay.

Where are you?

It’s now been ten hours since you left for an appointment with your psychologist. There were plans we’d made for today, but they will have to wait. They will wait a day. A week. A month…
What were those plans again?

Where are you?

Your toddler has just learnt how to use the potty. He has been working so hard at it for days now, and the disappointments were mounting. He really wants to show Daddy how clever he is.

Where are you?

There have been people ringing me. Friends wondering why you’re not answering your phone. Wondering why they can’t reach you. I say, I’m not sure. But actually, I want to tell them that it’s been years since I’ve been able to reach you.

Where are you?

This horrid migraine has been my constant companion for two days now. It won’t let me think straight. Three children need me. They really need me. But I need you.

Where are you?

Your son has been waiting all day for you, as patiently as a 5 year old is able. Do you remember promising him a fishing trip, just the two of you, for a few special hours? It’s now bath time, but he’s still reluctant to change out of his fishing gear. Just in case you remember.

Where are you?

Alcohol snuck in the door a little while ago, arm in arm with a sloppy imposter. They appear to be the best of buddies. What’s the point in waiting? There’s no sign of you.

Where are you?

Your chair is empty. Your plate of dinner has gone cold again. I hope you’re okay. Do you know that the kids no longer ask why Daddy isn’t home for dinner?

Where are you?

Your daughter is asleep now. We read, we talked, we waited. But all she really wanted was a goodnight hug from Daddy. Tonight, I just wasn’t enough.

Where are you?

You are here. You are talking to me, and I am talking to you. You look at me, but I see that you’re not here at all. Where are you?

 

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needing solitude time alone when PTSD is triggered

2 thoughts on “Where Has PTSD Taken You?

  1. Sarah says:

    Lea I’ve been here too, in this same situation, with my children asking the same questions…..again, I’m surprised at the similarities in the behaviour of our husbands….

    Like

    • Lea Farrow says:

      Thanks for your comment, Sarah. Do you also worry, every day, about whether this is a good and healthy environment for your children to grow up in? Do you also worry about whether you’re making the right choices? I’m looking for so many answers.

      Like

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