The PTSD Merry-Go-Round

I’ve heard it time and time again. Though, admittedly, it has always seemed quite abstract to me. But now it’s becoming a very real and very bitter pill to swallow. I can no longer avoid the truth.

No matter how much I wish, no matter how much I persuade, no matter how much I present my case of overwhelming evidence, no matter how much I hope.

And no matter how much I plead.

He will not change unless it comes solely from within him.

Saying the words to appease me has simply become insulting these days. Saying the words is not the same as doing it. Saying it does not make it true.

And in the meantime? I sit on the edge of this damned merry-go-round as it spins. If I look out, I will watch all the same scenes flash past me. Other people moving around their lives, trying hard not to see us on the merry-go-round. And if I look in, I will see only my husband, constantly off-balance on the revolving deck. Mentally trapped in the cycle that he refuses to step down from.

Better the devil demon you know.

But I desperately want to step down. I’m only on here for him. I desperately want to walk away from this hateful merry-go-round and never look back. I want to grab his hand and take him with me. But it doesn’t work like that. I can’t do this for him.

Only with the seed of determination will he be ready to step down.

And when he does, I hope I have enough strength left to be right there next to him.


(original post published 5th June 2016)


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